Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn time and again to my tormenter-in-print, constantly aching to quit its glossy pages, its profiles of the interior design of local homes, its constant "gee-whiz-those-public-schools-are-getting-better" articles sitting on the same pages as advertising for every private school in the greater New Orleans area.

Problems arise when I idly open up a copy at a newsstand or coffee shop (mistake #1) and flip through its pages to browse its current offerings and read a phrase or two turned by its intrepid, quasi-trendy authors, and I behold gems such as this one, from its Carnival issue, in Errol Laborde's "Fleur De Lists: Carnival '09 in Numbers and Notes":

Gazillion Number of times that it seems parade bands play the "Hey Song" (also known as Rock and Roll Pt. II) during parades.

Note: This song has been banned by some schools because of controversial lyrics assigned to it at sporting events. During Carnival parades, just the music is heard rather than the frequent chant of "Hey!"

Oh. My. God.

Curse you, New Orleans magazine!!!!

Quit throwing me bones like this! Now I'm trying to think of what sorts of lyrics could be placed into this song:



...aside from this classic from my misspent youth:


I can't get it outta my head. I want to know exactly what sorts of nasty lyrics people might be adding to it. I'd do more research on it right now, but I need to get up and go.

This could be the second greatest issue of this year's Mardi Gras celebrations after the true enforcement of the city's laws concerning the positioning of ladders on the sidewalks at the parades. The ladders come first. Insert your own lyrics to Gary Glitter's classic in the comments here afterwards or simultaneously.