Oh....don't forget the shayna maideleh.



hehhehhehhehhehhehhehhehhehheh....

And...before I forget...as a general public service to all around the holidays, settle things like one's sexual orientation with one's family members before you light the menorah.



...even if it does make for some great Hostilidays moments.

Shecky's kicked it off on two corners of the interwebs, dammit...

...now I have to go all farkakhte on his tuchus...



Oy vey iz mir. It's that Hostilidays time of year.

Some travel notes:

Hearing my husband tell my son,"In 1803, this was part of Louisiana!" makes me feel a bit better about traveling through the Midwest.

Note to Iowa: folks, the people in your state are so nice, one of 'em even had me - a world class cheese hater if there ever was one - trying a number of world class cheeses because I certainly wasn't gonna rain on her parade. Having said that, what is with all the correctional facilities marked on your state's official transportation map? I mean, it never occurred to me, on having passed through Des Moines, to say to my husband, "Honey, turn this thing around. We missed the Iowa Correctional Institution for Women!"

According to some graffiti on a Halls ad in the Chicago el, those ads for mentholyptus cough drops are part of the grand conspiracy to hobble our nation with some sort of capitalist flu virus. Personally, I think they're barking up the wrong tree there, as it seems my husband was sneezing the most in Kansas.

We were part of a mass exodus off the highway on the final 100-mile leg of our trip to my parents' house, when a perfect storm of two traffic accidents, construction narrowing the interstate to one lane, and pre-turkey day travelers trying to get a-going conspired to drain our cars of gasoline near exit 203. Amid the mad lines for refueling, snack-purchasing, and bathrooms, everyone chatted about the insanity on the road as we all suddenly noticed two large buttons in the ladies room that were ostensibly for maintenance issues but looked for all the world like the button. The button of which I speak was responsible for immediate shutdown of all the glass working equipment - furnaces, glory holes, annealing ovens, the works - in the largest public access glass studio on the planet, the one I had to break into on my birthday one year. It was said that the button had only ever been pressed once, in what turned out to be a totally unnecessary act, by a well-known glass artist and craft historian who still carries the embarrassment of the deed on his shoulders to this day.

Thus, I couldn't help but wonder what the buttons at that Oklahoma Conoco station could do:

• alert NORAD?
• start another accident on the interstate?
• flush all the toilets at the same time within a 100 mile radius of the bathroom?
• shut down ALL the gas pumps, making the holiday crowds positively rabid with anger?

All I know is, we got out of there with relieved bladders, a mostly full gas tank, and some snacks, and took a state highway detour all the way in to OKC, with Keller Williams' "Kidney In A Cooler" as our Oklahoma song. We didn't break down in Perry, thank God. We are here with family, doing our laundry from the road, with the button nowhere in sight.

And that's the way I like it.

Heading off to points north for a bit, folks. Gonna see friends and family, check how my parents' Frankendog is doing after his operation, try to transport a huge bunch of bananas to my family to show 'em our backyard banana trees can beat the heck outta their puny indoor stalk any day, get tainted by the Bauhaus through some new reading material, and just generally get some R 'n' R on.

Anyhow, a couple of days ago, this was brought to my attention:

Police on Wednesday arrested a woman who was praying at the Western Wall in Jerusalem due to the fact that she was wrapped in a prayer shawl (tallit).

The woman was visiting the site with the religious women's group "Women Of The Wall" to take part in the monthly Rosh Hodesh prayer.

Police were called to the area after the group asked to read aloud from a Torah scroll.

Police said they arrested the women in the wake of a High Court ruling, which states that the public visiting the Western Wall is obligated to dress in accordance with the site's dress code.

That highlighted part is the mechitzah separating the men on the left from the women on the right. The reasons for the smaller area for women are based on orthodox halachah (Jewish law) and how differently it obligates women to perform the ritual of prayer.

Tellingly, the women were busted only when they wanted to read aloud from the Torah - orthodox interpretations of halachah forbid the sound of a woman's voice being heard in a ritual setting, forget about women actually reading from the Torah. But keeping women gagged has not been advocated by the High Court, so the police had to make do with hauling one away for wearing a spiritual garment that, once again, under orthodox interpretations of halachah, is forbidden to sit around a woman's shoulders.

Yes, the Wall is a holy site for Jewish people world wide and one must be respectful of the other denominations of Jewry that worship there. But this is indicative of a serious problem that, if peace with Israel's Middle Eastern neighbors ever comes to pass, the Jewish state may well rip itself apart over.

And, if that does happen, I know who will be ready with the first excuse:

More than most other ultra-orthodox Jews, such as Agudath Israel, Neturei Karta objected to Zionist aims of founding a state before the coming of the Messiah. To bolster their opposition, they cite tractate Ketuboth, verse 111 of the Talmud, which is interpreted as forbidding strife with gentiles in order to form a Jewish state, on the grounds that the destruction of the temple is a punishment from God, which would be rescinded by God. They further rely on an apocryphal legend, according to which God, the Jewish People, and the gentile nations made a pact when the Jews were sent into exile. under the pact, the Jews would not rebel against the non-Jewish world that gave them sanctuary and Jews would not immigrate as a group to the land of Israel. in return, the gentile nations promised not to persecute the Jews too harshly. Neglecting the history of persecution of the Jews, which many say voided this pact, Neturei Karta argue that by rebelling against the pact, Jews were rebelling against God.

It's so nice to have the extremism within one's own religion and culture laid out for all to see. It lets you know where the slightly less extreme elements of it all will go to as a last resort in the face of, say, women who only want to pray at Jerusalem's present-day holiest site for Jews and who get arrested and called "stupid" by rabbis in governmental positions...and even by other women.

...beginning early in 1989, WOW was met with serious and continuous violence. Ultra-orthodox (haredi) men threw heavy metal chairs at them over the high barrier that separated men from women. One young girl was hit and had to be hospitalized. Canisters of tear gas were thrown into the womens' section.

Ultra-orthodox women, often following male orders, sometimes on their own, uttered terrible curses, and tried to silence the quietly praying women in every way possible. They shrieked, circled, raged, and made awful faces. They pushed and shoved a pregnant Bonna Haberman who was holding onto the Torah with all her might. At one point, the government of Israel actually hired women to physically remove the women-- not for disturbing the peace but for praying....

...How ironic! All over the world, including in Israel, Conservative, Reform, and Reconstructionist Jewish women are rabbis and lead their congregations, both male and female, in prayer. Orthodox women in Israel, the United States, Europe, and Australia, pray together in women's prayer groups in which they chant from the Torah. More recently, orthodox women began to pray together with orthodox men in partnership minyanim (prayer quorums). This has included both women and men chanting from the Torah and receiving previously male-only honors.

Only in Israel, and at the site most holy to Jews, at a site where soldiers are sworn in, and national celebrations are held--at that place, Jewish women were, (and still are), prohibited from praying aloud in a group with a Torah.

Although I care deeply about Jewish womens' religious rights in Israel and of course, about all womens' right to both practice their religion--and to not be coerced into doing so--the struggle in Jerusalem is an intra-tribal matter and important in its own right.

However, as the Intifada of 2000 continued to rage against Israel, as did the United Nations, Muslim terrorists, and Western academics everywhere, I did not have the heart to join the jackal chorus against the Jewish state. Rivka and I decided to dedicate our book to the state of Israel and to refrain from writing articles or giving interviews to the non-Jewish media on this subject.

But such silence is not possible forever. Is Israel head and shoulders above Egypt, Jordan, and Saudi Arabia in terms of womens' rights? Absolutely. But our struggle also proves that justice for Jewish women is quite imperfect in the only Western-style democracy in the Middle East.

Women have not forgotten thee, O Jerusalem, but a decades-long tribal and denominational conflict will threaten them and, in the process, threaten world Jewry. These problems must be addressed. It is the reason why I still have this link on my blogroll, as this sort of discrimination extends beyond prayer and into the fabric of every woman's life in Israel, no matter what denomination she is. It is the "problem that has no name" that Judaism in general has never handled well, because the orthodox interpretations of halachah are still seen as the standard for observance, even by secular Jews.

Orthodox interpretations, however, are interpretations that are not done in a vacuum - those Talmudic tracts show evidence over and over again of the ways in which rabbis have been influenced by the customs of the rest of the world. Now that many of them are in Israel, they want to behave as though they are in a vacuum, but there really isn't a leg for them to stand on. The day will come when they will be taken to task, and all that will be left is for them to wail that the Messiah didn't start the current state of Israel, so all of you are just stupid stupid stupid!

There's some Talmudic logic for you right there.

Sadly, this state of affairs has never been surprising to me, not since I was in grade school. The house of Israel is a case study in warfare from outside forces staving off an inevitable clash in a house that has been divided for centuries - heck, from Biblical times, even. These recent arrests at the Wall are one of many ways in which the cracks are showing.

Just something to think about.

Happy turkey, all...and don't rearrange things too much in New Orleans while I'm gone. 'Til then, wrap your heads around G-Bitch's posts on school choice in light of the recent series by Sarah Carr in the T-P on parents trying to negotiate the charter system.:

I’m not seeing a great deal of difference or more-than-superficial change yet.
Part of why not is that, as Henry Levin, director of the National Center for
the Study of Privatization in Education said,

“…(Choice) doesn’t solve the problem of families who are just behind the eight ball.

“You are dealing with people who are worried about putting food on the table and whether they are going to have to move in the middle of the night. … They are not sitting down at the breakfast table every morning and saying, ‘Oh, let me read through the parent handbook and figure out where to send my child to school.’ “

Which brings us back to the sad formula, and not new, that if
your parents aren’t up to a particular standard, you are screwed. And that’s
antithetical to the idea of public education.

More on this from a mom in a major city:



Update, 12-7-09: Check this out:

When I learned that some public buses in Jerusalem force women to enter through the back door, sit in the back, and "dress modestly" in order to board I immediately wanted to go there, get on a bus in my sluttiest outfit (which is actually pretty modest to everyone but religious fanatics), and protest. Of course, I'd then be subjected to verbal and physical abuse by evil men who like to think that they are God, when really they are just oppressors who misinterpret their religious texts to benefit themselves.

...Sarah Berger at In the Moment reports the court system ruled that segregated buses could be OK if "voluntary," but that the men who punch, kick, slap, and verbally harass women who don't voluntary disappear essentially make this a moot point. As Transportation Minister Yisrael Katz debates whether or not to uphold his own commission's recommendation to ban the buses, Berger says that women’s and human rights groups worry that he will bend to the religious parties who make up the current government coalition. She concludes, "it is unfortunate that women will once again become victims of a religious and political power play."

Oh, isn't that the case everywhere, though? (See "Stupak is as Stupak Does" for one timely American example....) Still, anyone as infuriated as I am can do something more useful than flying to Israel and risking her safety to protest this outrage. Katz will render his decision by Dec. 27 (my birthday!). Help me have a good birthday by telling Katz that public buses serve the entire public, which includes women.

We will not be forced to the back of the bus by a misguided segment of zealots. I can only shudder with horror to think of how much we let Claudette Colvin (a teenager who was arrested nine months before Rosa Parks was for refusing to move to the back of the bus) down (again) by not speaking up for basic human rights.

Egged buses are the targets of many a suicide bomber in Israel. Wonder what the safety issues are like if one is at the back of the bus versus the front if explosives are detonated? It may not make a difference - someone with bombs strapped to their body can sit anyplace or even stand near a bus and set themselves off - but things have become so bad with regards to how much people are catering to the extreme right in Israel, this may be one of the only ways left to appeal to any sense of decency left in those who would have women in the back of the bus. Sad. Very sad.

So fine, now we have a campaign commercial that will most likely end up in the local TV ad pantheon. We must wait and see if it will be received like this or like this.

What thankfully did not go completely under the wire as far as the blogpocheh are concerned is a landmark court decision that places the blame on the Army Corps of Engineers for neglecting the upkeep and proper engineering of the levees, actions that led to the catastrophic flooding of Chalmette and the Lower Ninth Ward over four years ago.

Yes, it's damn nice to be vindicated - not just for all of us here and for the New Orleans and Plaquemines Parish diaspora, but for the many other places all over this country that are threatened due to the same sort of neglect the Corps is still exhibiting all over this country (in cities such as Sacramento, for instance, as if California didn't have enough problems already) with regards to flood protection.

But what can really be done from here?

Money is tight all over. The MR-GO has been closed, sure, but our wetlands are still eroding like nobody's business. I'm certain the recommendations from the federal agency's lawyers will be to settle with those whose property was washed away and make all of this go away as quickly and as quietly as possible. Relocate people if they have to. Just make that money walk and talk. And I wouldn't blame the folks who took those funds at all. The decision is in their favor, and that is worth a lot. They've already been fighting for over four long, hard years. Don't screw around with them any longer.

But for those of us who are still here and have pieced things back together physically if not mentally, those of us who weren't covered by this court decision but are hurting anyhow, those of us who want a future for this country that includes New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, those of us who still run into people who think the city is still under water (among many, many other ignorant and asinine assumptions) - this battle has been won, but the war is still in progress.

We've got a long ways to go, people. We must keep on keepin' on, living like we do, spreading this news and putting all our weight behind it like I know we in this city love to do when we wanna.

And hey, it's also heartening to see warriors who have set their swords down for a time take 'em up again in recent days. Check Matt McBride's latest at Fix The Pumps (thanks to Karen at the new, quite spiffy investigative website known as The Lens) and get yet another reason why we have to keep revealing the truths of the A. C. o' E.'s deeds and decisions.

Update, 11:08 PM: Clay has more, as I thought he would.

I still think this ruling will be overturned on "sovereignty immunity" grounds, but it's always nice to reinforce to the rest of the country that had the Corps simply designed and built the levees to spec, most of New Orleans' flooding would never have happened and we'd all be talking about how New Orleans 'dodged a bullet.' If you want to see a natural disaster, go to Buras, LA or Waveland, MS.

Anudder Update, 11/20: Forgot Harry Shearer's take on it, too. Bad blogger, baaaad blogger...

You know, the other night, I experienced a moment similar to this one on listening to one of the folks managing Leslie Jacobs' campaign:



It's not an inappropriate way to look at the mayor's race, really...

...just...don't drag the yaller blogger into this. Things are insane enough already.

Just a couple of PSAs:

Go help save the Hippo if you can. And no, it doesn't involve putting the big goof's tongue back in his mouth. Even if you can't contribute monetarily, see what kind of strings could be pulled to ease his doggie pains.

Also, if you are in a masters program here in New Orleans and your degree studies have anything to do with public health or the public well-being, this might be for you:

In the spring of 2010, approximately 15 New Orleans Schweitzer Fellows will be selected from applications submitted by students in a diversity of fields, including but not limited to medicine, nursing, dentistry, public health, social work, psychology, pharmacy, education, physical therapy, law, nutrition, art therapy, dance/movement therapy, music, and acupuncture. We seek Fellows from an array of disciplines to contribute to the health of our communities.

Fellowship projects include the following:

• a minimum of 200 hours of direct service through an existing community based organization in the New Orleans area;

• a supervisor, or Site Mentor, at the host organization and a Faculty Mentor at the student’s school;

• monthly progress reports on the Fellow’s project;

• a written report at the conclusion of the project, including recommendations for ways in which the most valuable aspects of the Fellow’s project and experiences can be replicated or sustained;
• professional development in skills related to working with underserved communities;

• an opportunity to be part of an interdisciplinary group of students committed to working in underserved communities.

In addition to the service project, Fellows work in groups to organize public symposia on pertinent public health topics or community service outreach activities. Fellows are required to attend monthly meetings, all symposia and service days, an introductory meeting on April 16^th, 2010, a weekend orientation May 22-23^rd, 2010, a mid-year retreat, and the annual Schweitzer Fellows Celebration Event in May 2011.

Students are welcome to submit proposals for an original project that reflects Dr. Schweitzer’s ethic of Reverence for Life or for the continuation of a project initiated by a previous Schweitzer Fellow.

Fellows receive a stipend of $2,500 (paid in three installments) both to underscore the seriousness of their work and to ensure that students who are already struggling financially are not discouraged from participating. Any student enrolled at least part-time for the 2010-2011 academic year in a graduate-level-degree-granting program in the New Orleans area is welcome to apply. Applications are due via online submission by 5pm February 5^th, 2010.

It certainly might help us get our health care situation in this town above and beyond health clinics at the local convention center - which, don't get me wrong, are nifty for those who can't afford to even go to a doctor, but most of the people here need much more than just one visit to maintain their health.

And, this morning, I am greeted by this plea for all fans attending Saints games to purchase a certain scarf and wave it 'round whenever the home team scores 'cause it'll be really cool. It leads me to my own personal hue and cry regarding a certain piece of Saints merchandise that is sorely underrepresented in local stores. There are LOADS of LSU ones that are ugly as sin, but I have not seen this snazzy li'l number at Walgreens yet:

I mean, our electric bills are four times what they were when we first moved into our place approximately nine years ago. My son hogs all the blankets in the house when my husband isn't doing it. I've been looking for the perfect thing to commemorate this season that could be the biggest home team accomplishment ever or the biggest trainwreck ever, but I don't have enough moolah to get a stylin' jersey.

Plus, black is slimming, my husband's a Niners fan, so I KNOW he wouldn't be caught dead wearing the thing, and I could lounge all I want whilst looking up the details of the '72 Dolphins season for comparison's sake if the luck o' the Saints holds. Yes, I am that far gone. Was that even in question?

So just chalk it up on my Chanukah wish list. That and a new dishwasher....which can be black and gold, too. I don't care, so long as it works.

Observations and sneaking feelings on the upcoming mayoral race...

• Stop asking the mayoral candidates what they will do about education in this town, unless it relates to their past experiences (like, say, those of soon-to-declare-her-candidacy Leslie Jacobs). The state runs most of the schools, the mostly-neutered OPSB runs a small fraction of the rest, and neither one is under the purview of the mayor's office.

• Having said that, I must also say that the illogic of politics in general - and local politics in particular - is going to ensure that, in the case of Jacobs, stuff like this will probably be scrutinized and somehow used to the candidate's detriment. Just the realities of running for office these days, all. This is what dedicated, smart, savvy campaign managers-cum-spin doctors are for - in concert with politically astute candidates, of course.

The above mentioned observations are about the most sane things that can be said about the upcoming mayoral rodeo that is already taking on some strong farcical elements. Because we are in New Orleans, I'd say, from past observations of and my voting participation in mayoral races held here since 1996 (my first year of living here), approximately 40% of the reasons why people will vote for one candidate or another will actually be based on the hopefuls' stands on the issues, their past experiences, and all the other things that, in a democracy devoid of entangling alliances and tabloid talk shows, would probably dominate the decisions in places like, say, Omaha.

BUT we are in New Orleans.

40% is wildly optimistic in this four-years-on-after-8/29/05, still shell-shocked, already depressed before the national recession even came, crime-ridden, killer potholed, Walking-Id-on-his-mayoral-way-to-possible-indictment-led crazy town. Just being a competent candidate who is fully cognizant of the issues and the Sisyphean tasks ahead in the next four years probably won't even get a hopeful a snowball's chance in City Hall without air conditioning during a south Louisiana August. Outreach to neighborhood organizations and smaller communities within this city is a great start - after all, they are largely the reason why there is still a New Orleans.

But, to varying degrees, most of us are weary, disheartened, trying to keep our heads above varying degrees of debt, and short on hope. Ideally, much will have to be promised and then done by a candidate who captures our imaginations as well as our need for basic city services and a government that actually works...and what we will most likely settle for is someone who is only slightly less corrupt and slightly more competent than C. Ray Nagin has proven to be. The home-insulation fiberglas to the Walking Id's Tyvek, if you will.

Full disclosure: Reason why I bring up Leslie Jacobs is due to my attendance at a meeting of blogging folk with the soon-to-be candidate last night. Since we are not a bunch of shy violets, a good many questions were asked of Jacobs and many suggestions on what she should do during her campaign (and if she actually gets voted into office) were kicked back to her, tips that she dutifully took down in a blank book.

Has she got that mayoral melamine thing going on?

(mayoral melamine?
Just...think "presidential timber" and put it in the parlance of rebuilding New Orleans...
you lost me
Oh, fuhgettaboutit)

She wants to change the budget process, feels we need more of a strategic plan to deal with blight and a better way to handle the contracting process in City Hall. She wants to get tough on crime and is very interested in learning more about Brian Denzer's NolaStat and how it could work for New Orleans. Implementing transparency and accountability in City Hall and the mayor's office is also of great importance to her...

...but elections are not won solely on these stances. It's too early to tell if Jacobs will loosen up a little, start working hard to reach out and make connections with all segments of the city, no matter what their races, creeds, religions, or sexual orientations are, and if she will be able to play the political hopscotch that many times involves keeping friends close and enemies closer...and we haven't even gotten to how she will come across in the T-P and on local teevee news & debates.

One thing is for certain: she expressed having "a new level of understanding and fear" accompanied by 3 AM awakenings on a regular basis when thinking of how hard the mayor's job will be after the 2010 election.

The candidate is afraid. She is very afraid.

Time will tell as to whether or not those fears will be constructive or paralyzing.

Update, 11/18: BSJD has some legitimate beefs in the comment to this post:

I'm getting worried, bloggers are paying attention to pointless or stupid questions (demanding a yes or no answer to a question about a complicated issues strikes me as incredibly stupid -- question was by a reporter, discussion in the comments), when how Nagin is viewed could determine the next election. If he's seen as having been an unsophisticated novice who was overwhelmed and then possibly corrupted, certain candidates (Murray, Landrieu if he gets in) benefit immensely. James Perry's chances go from slim to nonexistent if it's not established that Nagin was a politically-connected insider before he ran for office.

Hell, we should all be very afraid at this point, but we can't let it overwhelm us either.

Anudder update, 11/19: Well, we got some clue as to what's going on with the candidates yesterday....and it looks like, in a simple Q&A format, most of it ain't too good unless you're James Perry. Get a f%$!ing clue on what's going on here before you run for mayor, people. Really.

OPINION POLL: 702-932-3401 shows up on the Caller ID, and I nearly let it run to voice mail...

...but I thought of this and decided to take a chance.

My hunch proved correct.

The pollster asked me about the 2010 mayor's race. I was asked first about a bunch of well-known Louisiana pols and how I rated each one. Yep, the usual suspects ran by me: Jindal, the Walking Id, Mary Contrary Landrieu, John Georges, Eddie Sapir...uh, wait, time warp...oh, and we're back!

My opinion of, if the mayor's race were held today, who would it be for me?

My opinion of whether or not I'd heard of the current mayoral candidates. There was only one I hadn't heard of, a Nadine Somebody (Update, 11/17: Seems Nadine "Somebody" Ramsey has had to return some campaign funds, as there shouldn't be a felon funding one's campaign...there go da judge, there go da judge). I think.

Who would my first and second choices be in the mayoral race if Mitch were in it?

Are the problems in City Hall due to the African-American community having too much influence on things or the Caucasian community having too much influence on things?

What would I consider more important: developing things on the business end out of the mayor's office or working on lowering crime rates, improving education, and creating jobs out of the mayor's office?

Three bits of good news and three bits of bad news concerning Mitch and his good and not-so-good works: had I heard that he'd brought loads of new jobs, especially in entertainment, to New Orleans? Had I heard that he'd just spent thousands of $$$ redoing the Lieutenant Governor's office in Red Stick? I'd heard something about the former, not so much about the latter. I chatted with the pollster about how the lack of information and the dearth of any kind of stance and vision for New Orleans coming out of the current candidates was sorely lacking, and it was also lacking from Mitch in the '06 election.

They wanted my vitals just to confirm how old I was, where I lived, etc. etc.

Click.

It was revealed to us this morning that the confirmation class at the synagogue is taking a different route this year on their class trip.

They are headed into Alabama and Georgia to visit many places where the battles of civil rights were fought, where blood was shed over something that should have been an inalienable right from the beginnings of our country's birth, but was only legislated into existence forty-five years ago...and, even then, the concept is still slow to catch on in the minds of many - too many.

Before this year, past confirmation groups had trekked to Washington D.C. and paid visits to our representatives and senators in Congress - where they found that both senators Landrieu and Vitter sported glazed looks on their faces when social justice issues were raised by the students. It was disheartening to the leaders of the confirmation trip to see our elected officials, supposed representatives of the people in their state, treat these issues as nuisances, as pests that will disappear if they raise their hands over their eyes and keep them there long enough. Great examples for the teenagers. Truly inspiring.

Instead, the students will be going to Selma, Alabama; to Birmingham; to the King Center in Atlanta...and to a few other places along the way that show that the fight for equality among the races was not so long ago. And that it isn't over by a long shot.

The one thing I hope the kids take away from this trip?

Our politicians seem to be devoid of the need to take advantage of opportunities to act in ways that favor the greater good over the relatively few who have the most influence and/or money...

...but that doesn't always have to be the way.

Ahhh, inequality...

...on a regional level, concerning the world outside the home...

And then Jonathan asked us if we had started thinking about schools.

I had not as...School is Mike's department. Another linchpin of our Marital New Deal, aside from trying to use the night for actually sleeping, is that of improved...Delegation. Delegation...and Trust.

As we discovered in therapy, during that first parental Year of Hell...My notes indicate that Sandra often does not Trust Mike, as a Co-Parent, to Successfully Complete Certain Parental Tasks. Whereas in fact, as Mike and his (mysteriously sympathetic/consistently partisan!) witnesses Ruth and Kaitlin would point out, the problem is not that Mike Is Not Completing His Half of the Parenting but that he is Not Doing So in the Exact Same Way That Sandra Herself Would Do It. Okay! While seeing it there on the page, I admit it doesn't ring a bell for me, but that's what my notes say.

So far in our great parenting Voyage in Los Angeles, I have located the pediatrician, the day care, and the preschool. Kindergarten, we agreed, would fall to Mike. A project he reports he has been making great strides on. I'm vaguely aware that Mike has a manika folder titled "SCHOOL" on his volcanic computer pile. A folder which, by the terms of our agreement, I would never look into. Because of the Delegation...and the Trust.....

...And, while dazed in this reverie, I hear Mike say, "Oh, yeah. No worries."

Aimee puts down her BlackBerry.

"What's your school district?" she asks, in a weirdly light, unconcerned voice.

And Mike replies, "Well, I don't know. City of Los Angeles? I guess, what, that makes us L.A. Unified?"

And now here is what happens.

Both Jonathan and Aimee imperceptibly freeze.*

...aaaand on a local level, concerning the world within:

Mister, you’re not supposed to be household help/staff. I do not expect you to clean like a maid, iron like a laundress, cook like a chef, etc. and you do not expect the same of me. Doesn’t mean shit doesn’t need to get done. A household is a job in itself. There’s always more to do than is possible if you do anything else. Women have generally made this work invisible. And covered it in cream cheese frosting and multicolored candy sprinkles. When the work becomes visible, it becomes grating to all involved. It’s the nature of the beast. Housework is like Palestinian-Israeli relations or the pro-life/pro-choice wars or racism, this huge HOT ISSUE—each side wants credit for what it has, and sometimes hasn’t, done and the push and pull starts and ends there, starts with faces pinched and arms tightly folded because somebody might say Boo instead of doing, not doing, talking, or not talking. Nagging should have no place in any of it. Creating a list for someone to uphold your standards seems like is a nonstarter to me. Win the skirmish for what? War is about making winners and losers, not resolution, action, change, or decision-making. War doesn’t change hearts or minds, not in a positive way anyway. “War,” “conflict”—too much heat for this discussion because there is no fight here. That said, I don’t think your involvement in household maintenance has always been as high as now/recent history. Does that make you an asshole? Only if you call yourself one because I never did. And still am not. You are not Mister My Maid or expected to be. I’ll take down the post if you want but in exchange I want my tongue-in-cheek language back.

It all reminds me....the kiddo got stung by a green caterpillar playing hide-and-seek in the synagogue garden last night. Who does the kid ask for when he gets home, after I've soothed his hurts (with the assistance of an entire congregation and the on-duty police officers guarding the shul), put antibiotic ointment on the welt on his leg and a large Band-Aid covering it, and taken him home and read to him?

Well, let's just say that it did give me a smidgen of satisfaction to see Dan's discomfort this morning when I told him the little guy asked for him last night. I'm human. I'm not a saint. I've been mostly alone in my miserable sufferings from a cold this past week. We all snap sometime in the smallest of ways.

And yeah, I could pull a Faulkner Fox and start compiling lists of Frequent Parenting Miles, but I'm just too damn lazy, tired, and, this particular week, sick to give myself even more work like that. Always have been, really...and, having grown up in a household where screaming, yelling arguments were the norm (an experience that also had me boycotting cursing for most of my childhood and adolescent days), I hate escalating things to that kind of conflict, because I also know I will end up being the irrational, crazy one in the mix who has no logic supporting her end of the conflict and thus does not count.

But the world of the home and the world of parenting are irrational spheres, for God's sake. The processes of applying the logic of my husband's greater income, his longer hours at work and traveling to and from work, and his stresses from the adult world on this house and this child ought to be studied as scientific phenomena in themselves.... phenomena, that, by all rights, ought to fall into a black hole just outside our front steps and outside the grounds of our son's charter school and religious school....but his attempt to apply his logic to all of this is illogical in itself. Like his stated belief that the streetcar operates on a schedule.

So all I'm left with is appreciating the intricacies of the mess we're in as marrieds with child...and still, even while being the slacker mom that I am, having to do more with the little guy, his school, and the home than my husband does.

I'd say we're turning back the clock if it weren't for the fact that I think we already live in parallel universes.

______________________


*And yes, I know Sandra Tsing Loh has proclaimed her affair, divorce, and subsequent dissatisfaction with the institution of marriage in the past year. I know also that her criticisms and those of her friends in the Atlantic article about marriage aren't universally lauded. But this stuff keeps on coming out for many, many reasons, and they're not just personal and one-on-one dynamically based - they are symptomatic of how we are most emphatically not changing for the better, but, if we are changing, it is after having run out of excuses and having been dragged, kicking and screaming, against our wills into it. Now how logical is that?

Update, 5:38 PM: Perhaps if we all started out with this cake on the wedding day, we'd all be a little happier.

So I've been under the weather. No swine are anywhere near me, or their flu, thanks, but the collision in my body of antihistamines and cold virus is making for some bizarre dreams involving Maitri in a Bucky the Badger suit and some interesting reading choices of mine from the local library. All it is is misery accompanied by a rough throat and a nose running like a faucet. Adding to the misery is the fact that my husband is working his tail off after his day job as well...but even if he weren't, I would have to thank the hypochondriac elder family member who raised him by hacking and dripping snot all over said hypochondriac as I hugged the hypochondriac tight tight tight, because the hypochondriac has raised a man who is now unsympathetic to any aches and pains one might suffer as a result of any viruses raging through one's body. I think only a severed limb and quarts of blood lost could raise any sympathy from him at this point...and then he'd be glancing furtively around the ER and asking repeatedly when we could leave, as there are too many sick people at the hospital.

Sigh.

But hey, sickness knows no stop when it comes to blogging, as you can see. And the FREE Blogging 101 course at the Bridge Lounge is also not dependent upon my sniffles and coughs to get going in full swing. So head on over there come 6:30 PM with laptop in tow (doesn't matter if it's yours or not). You'll be glad you did.

And, in honor of the title of my post at the Rising Tide blog, I give you this earworm. Enjoy!